10. Famous Last Words  (3rd January 2011)

In our ponderings of what things are humorous, we ought to include ‘famous last words.

The obvious ones are:

“It’ll be all, right, I’ve done this many times before.”

and

“It’s OK, it’s perfectly safe.”

and slightly morbidly,

“I know how to do it; you clip the safety harness like this.”

Of course you can go to a number of websites that will list many a famous word apparently spoken on their death bed, but the truth is that most of them actually aren’t funny, maybe ironic, but mostly not funny. A few illustrations to prove the point –

 

Waiting are they? Waiting are they? Well--let 'em wait.
In response to an attending doctor who attempted to comfort him by saying, "General, I fear the angels are waiting for you."
- Ethan Allen, American Revolutionary general, d. 1789

 

 Am I dying or is this my birthday?
When she woke briefly during her last illness and found all her family around her bedside.
- Lady Nancy Astor, d. 1964

Die? I should say not, dear fellow. No Barrymore would allow such a conventional thing to happen to him.
- John Barrymore, actor, d. May 29, 1942

I should never have switched from Scotch to Martinis.
-  Humphrey Bogart, actor, d. January 14, 1957

I am about to -- or I am going to -- die: either expression is correct.
-  Dominique Bouhours, French grammarian, d. 1702

"I don’t feel good."
- Luther Burbank (1849-1926), last words

"They couldn't hit an elephant at this dist..."
- General John Sedgwick (1813-1864), last words

"Don’t let it end like this. Tell them I said something."
- Pancho Villa (1877-1923), last words

We don't like their sound, and guitar music is on the way out.
Decca Recording Co., rejecting the Beatles 

Pardonnez-moi, monsieur
Marie Antoinette, after stepping on her executioners foot.

I'm bored with it all.
Winston Churchill 

I feel a little better

Queen Victoria 1901

To conclude with some of the most obvious ones:

“Poison? Don’t be daft, who would want to poison me?”

and….

“I’m sure the current is off.”

 

11. Exam Paper Blunders  (17th January 2011)

1. History
1. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the 1564, supposedly on his birthday.  He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies, and hysterectomies, all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.
2. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote Donkey Hote. The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote Paradise Lost. Then his wife died and he wrote Paradise Regained.
3. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a virgin, and Benjamin Franklin were to 2 singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and
declared, "a horse divided against itself can not stand." Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.
4. Abraham Lincoln was America's greatest precedent. Lincoln's mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation . On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theatre and got shot in his seat by one of the actors in the moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly  insane actor. This ruined Booth's career.
5. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept up in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was very large.
6. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him. Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died from this.

 

2. Science
Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.
Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
The process of turning steam back into water again is called conversation.
Algebraical symbols are used when you do not know what you are talking about.
A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.
For fractures: to see if the limb is broken, wiggle it gently back and forth.
For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make artificial perspiration.
For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
For snakebites: bleed the wound and rape the victim in a blanket for shock.
For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.
Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

 

3. Children’s Bible Essays

In the first book of the Bible, Guinness's, God got tired of creating the world, so He took the Sabbath off. Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. Noah's wife was called Joan of Ark. Noah built an ark, which the animals came on to in pears. Lot's wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.

The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with the unsympathetic Genitals. Samson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a Jezebel like Delilah. Samson slayed the Philistines with the axe of the apostles.

Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. The Egyptians were all drowned in the dessert. Afterwards, Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments. The First Commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple. The Fifth Commandment is to humour thy father and mother. The seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.

Moses died before he ever reached Canada. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the battle of Geritol. The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him.

David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finklesteins, a race of people who lived in Biblical times. Solomon, one of David's sons, had 300 wives and 700 porcupines.

Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before they do one to you. He also explained, "Man doth not live by sweat alone."

The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels. The epistles were the wives of the apostles. One of the opossums was St. Matthew who was, by profession, a taximan.

St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage. A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.

 

12. Ten Words that Don’t Exist but Should...  (Jan.31st  2011)

 

Parents need more words to describe the weird things that happen to them on a regular basis. Here are some suggestions.

1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus)adj.

 Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.

2. CARPETUATION (kar pet' u a shun)n.

 The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.

3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v.

 To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.

4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n.

 The actions of two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a movie theatre.

5. UNDUST (un dust')n.

 The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.

6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)n.

 The act of manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.

7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay')n.

 The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.

8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh)n.

 The affliction of dialling a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.

 

9. LATTEBLOW (la tay' blow)v.

 Unintentional expulsion of milk through the nose during a laugh.

10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)n.

 The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away