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Laughter Corner
Some humour is just plain downright nutty! That’s why it’s funny. For instance, if you want to persuade your parents against giving you carrots:
Food Safety Facts about Carrots
Bearing in mind our ‘statistics warning’ elsewhere in the magazine, do you know that:
Nearly all sick people have eaten carrots. Obviously, the effects are cumulative.
An estimated 99.9% of all people who die from cancer and heart disease have eaten carrots.
99.9% of people involved in car crashes ate carrots within 60 days of their accidents.
93.1% of juvenile delinquents come from homes where carrots are served regularly.
Among the people born in 1839 who later ate carrots, there has been a 100% mortality rate.
Right! Well all the statements are true aren’t they??? Well try this following bit of logic from America:
Food Safety Facts about Carrots
Bearing in mind our ‘statistics warning’ elsewhere in the magazine, do you know that:
Nearly all sick people have eaten carrots. Obviously, the effects are cumulative.
An estimated 99.9% of all people who die from cancer and heart disease have eaten carrots.
99.9% of people involved in car crashes ate carrots within 60 days of their accidents.
93.1% of juvenile delinquents come from homes where carrots are served regularly.
Among the people born in 1839 who later ate carrots, there has been a 100% mortality rate.
Right! Well all the statements are true aren’t they??? Well try this following bit of logic from America:
Too much work!
For a couple years I've been blaming it on iron-deficient blood, lack of vitamins, drinking too much and a dozen other reasons.
But now I found out the real reason I'm tired -- because I'm overworked.
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are, on average, 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work: You and me.
And you're sitting there messing around reading this!
But now I found out the real reason I'm tired -
The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired.
That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. This leaves 19 million to do the work.
Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.
There are, on average, 188,000 ill and in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work: You and me.
And you're sitting there messing around reading this!
Well how about this….
10 Ways to Avoid being eaten by a Duck
1. Avoid smearing yourself in stale breadcrumbs unless absolutely necessary.
2. If threatened by a duck, climb a tree. Ducks, usually excellent climbers, refuse to share trees with anything else.
3. Carry a large automatic weapon with you whenever walking past a river or pond.
4. Become a microbiologist and develop a duck form of myxamatosis.
5. Become an electronics whizz and build a battery-powered thingy that repels ducks by means of ultrasound.
6. Move to Siberia. As far as I know, no ducks live near there.
7. If you can't beat them, join them: Whilst ducks may be vicious, they are civilised creatures and the idea of cannibalism disgusts them. Rather than just getting another pullover from your granny next Christmas, ask her for a duck costume instead.
8. Do everything in your car. Eat in it, sleep in it, perhaps even travel in it. Never leave your car. Remember to check it for ducks first.
9. Make friends with lots of plump, tasty-looking people. Hang about with them all the time, after making sure you can run faster than all of them.
10. Buy a few ready-killed ducks from Tesco and string the beaks around your neck along with a few bones and a feather head-dress. Walk around half-naked covered in war-paint with a large knife and a collection of fearsome facial expressions. They ought to get the idea then.
… and if that lot is not zany enough for you….
Ten Ways to be Annoying
1. Adjust the colour on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
2. Drum on every available surface.
3. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
4. Set alarms for random times.
5. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
6. Dress only in clothes coloured bright Orange.
7. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
8. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
9. only type in lowercase.
10. don’t use any punctuation either
And to conclude.....
Daily Affirmations for the Slightly Unhinged
I assume full responsibility for my actions, except the ones that are someone else's fault.
In some cultures what I do would be considered normal.
Having control over myself is nearly as good as having control over others.
I honour my personality flaws, for without them I wouldn’t know who I was..
I am grateful that I am not as judgmental as all those censorious, self-
I need not suffer in silence while I can still moan, whimper and complain.
Whenever someone hurts me, I know forgiveness is cheaper than a lawsuit; but not nearly as gratifying.
The first step is to say nice things about me. The second is to do nice things for myself. The third step is to find someone to buy me nice things.
As I learn to trust the universe, I no longer need to carry a gun.
All of me is beautiful and valuable, even the ugly, stupid and disgusting parts.
Only a lack of imagination spares me from my imaginary fears.
Today I will gladly share my experience and advice, for there are no sweeter words than I told you so.
A good scapegoat is oftentimes better than a solution to the problem.
Just for today, I will not sit in my living room all day watching TV; instead, I will move my TV in to the bedroom.
I am learning that criticism is not nearly as effective as sabotage.
Becoming aware of my character defects leads me to the next step; blaming my parents.
I will find humour in my everyday life by looking for those around me who I can ridicule and demean.
I am now willing to make mistakes as long as someone else is willing to learn from them.