(Where did those words come from???) Anyway, here is a miscellaneous bunch of varied humour – there’s got to be something here that makes you laugh!
"We are all interested in the future, for that is where you and I are going to spend the rest of our lives."
--Plan 9 From Outer Space
"I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought, what good would that do?"
"They say absence makes the heart grow fonder, so I figure that's why my boyfriend moved."
A young man was walking past a blind woman using a cane on a street corner downtown, when she said, "Excuse me, but if it's not too much trouble, can you see me across the street?"
Our good Samaritan replied, "Just a minute." He walked across the street, looked back and yelled, "Yes, I can see you fine!"
A botanist had just returned from an expedition to the South Pacific Islands and was discussing their adventures with their colleagues back at the university where they taught. "What was the most exciting discovery you found there?" asked a fellow professor. One of them replied, "The people native to this one island had discovered the most amazing cure for constipation. Using only the leaves of the local palm trees they concocted a suppository which quickly cured the ailment." Another professor asked, "A palm leaf suppository? Did it really work?" Replied the botanist, "Sure! With fronds like these, who needs enemas?"
On duty as a customer-service rep for a car-rental company, I took a call from a driver who needed a tow. He was stranded on a busy highway, but he didn't know the make of the car he was driving. I asked again for a more detailed description beyond a "blue, four-door sedan." "It's the one on fire," he replied.
As a child my mother would always tell me not to sit so close to the TV, that it was bad for my eyes. Now, as an adult I spend 8+ hours a day within 2 feet of a computer screen.
"Authorities are searching for the owner of a kangaroo after it was caught walking around outside in the freezing weather. That's got to be frustrating for the kangaroo. Walking around in freezing weather, knowing you have a pocket, but your hands are too short to put them in it."
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. (Whack!)
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife out in the car still does!"
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, estimated to be 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a blonde passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow! It just missed the highway!"
Airman Jones was assigned to the induction centre, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their Active Service insurance.
It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.
Rather than asking him about this, the Captain stood at the back of the room and listened to Jones' sales pitch.
Jones explained the basics of Active Service Insurance to the new recruits, and then said, "If you are killed in a battle and have an Active Service Insurance, the government has to pay £200,000 to your beneficiaries. But, if you don't have an Active Service insurance and get killed in the battle, the government only has to pay a maximum of £6000."
"Now," he concluded, "which group do you think they are going to send into battle first?"
A couple months ago, I entered a contest and ended up winning a few acres of swamp land below the flood plane in Mississippi. Before I knew it, right after that I won a $250,000 house, so naturally I built it on my new land. So I quit my job and moved down there for good. And just last night, as sat on my new porch watching the rain and listening to the thunder, it all started to sink in.
A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing. The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize." "How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."
"I like to pick up hitchhikers. When they get in the car I say, 'Put on your seat belt. I want to try something. I saw it once in a cartoon, but I think I can do it.'"
"The most exciting phrase to hear in science, the one that heralds new discoveries, is not 'Eureka!' (I've found it!), but 'That's funny...'" -Isaac Asimov