Think on these things (but not for too long):
Is there another word for synonym?
What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
Would a fly without wings be called a walk?
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
What was the best thing before sliced bread?
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
If you try to fail, but succeed, which have you done?
A list of life lessons:
- Two People cannot operate a TV remote control in the same room at the same time.
- The value of a dog is its constant reminder of how much fun it is to be idiotic.
- When someone tells you that what he's about to say is “for your own good", expect the worse.
- Avoid marrying anyone who deliberately flushes the toilet when you're taking a shower.
- If you are lavishly praised, enjoy the taste but don't swallow it whole.
- When a politician says, “Let me make something perfectly clear," remember that he usually won't.
- Your children may leave home, but their stuff will be in your attic for ever.
- Don't worry about every mistake or faux pas. They make up for the things you did and got away with.
- If someone says, “I know what I mean, but I just can't put it into words," he doesn't know what he means.
- Don't waste time trying to be your own best friend. You can't pat yourself on the back and it isn't satisfying to cry on your own shoulder.Find a real friend instead.
—CHARLOTTE JOHN STONE in Family Circle (Readers Digest)
Some Time Honoured Truths...
1. Don't sweat the petty things, and don't pet the sweaty things.
2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
3. One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to say it.
5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.
7. I doubt, therefore I might be.
8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
10. Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. A fool and his money are soon partying.
14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?
15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery.
17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
18. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?
19. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
20. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?