"If A equals success, then the formula is: A = X + Y + Z,
X is work. Y is play. Z is keep your mouth shut."
- Albert Einstein
An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics. The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: "Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist."
Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.
Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: "What chair?"
Little Johnny wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he surprised the teacher with an announcement.
He tapped her on the shoulder and said, "I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades... somebody is going to get a spanking."
Teacher: Max, use "defeat," "defense" and "detail" in a sentence.
Max: The rabbit cut across the field, and defeat went over defence before detail.
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with a lot of pleasure." --Clarence Darrow
"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult." --Rita Rudner
"Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted." --Groucho Marx
The pastor of our church began his sermon with this story: "I was on a plane last week, from Chicago to California, when we ran into some very severe turbulence.
As it got worse, the passengers became more and more alarmed, and even the flight attendants began to look concerned. Finally, one of them noticed that I had 'Rev.' in front of my name on the passenger list, came over to me, and said, 'Sir, this is really frightening. Do you suppose you could, I don't know...do something religious?'"
"So I took up a collection."
I left Montreal heading toward Quebec city, when I decided to stop at a comfort station. The first stall was occupied, so I went into the second one. I was no sooner seated than
I heard a voice from the next stall:
"Hi, how are you doing?"
Well, I am not the type to chat with strangers in highway comfort stations, and I really don't know quite what possessed me, but anyway, I answered, a little embarrassed:
And the stranger said: "And, what are you up to?"
Talk about your dumb questions! I was really beginning to think this was too weird! So I said:
"Well, just like you I'm driving east."
Then, I heard the stranger, all upset, say, "Look, I'll call you back, there's some idiot in the next stall answering all the questions I am asking you."
"I have good news and bad news," the defence attorney told his client. "First the bad news. The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with that found at the crime scene."
"Oh, no!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"
"Your cholesterol is only 180."
If a man is in the forest, and there isn't a woman around, is he still wrong?
"We've begun to long for the pitter patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet." --Rita Rudner
"You know your children have grown up when they stop asking you where they came from and refuse to tell you where they are going." –Unknown
"A bachelor is a selfish, undeserving guy who has cheated some woman out of a divorce." --Don Quinn
"May I take your order?" the waiter asked.
"Yes, how do you prepare your chickens?"
"Nothing special sir," he said. "We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
A lawyer named Strange died, and his friend asked the tomb-stone maker to inscribe on his tombstone, "Here lies Strange, an honest man, and a lawyer."
The inscriber insisted that such an inscription would be confusing, for passersby might think that three men were buried under the stone.
However he suggested an alternative: He would inscribe, "Here lies a man who was both honest and a lawyer." That way, when-ever anyone walked by the tombstone and read it, they would be certain to remark: "That's Strange!"
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, breaking in, evading security and escaping with the goods, he was captured only two blocks away when his rented van ran out
of petrol. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make
such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."