A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease. "Would you mind telling me, Doctor,"
she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"
"Nothing is easier," he replied. "You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If he hesitates, that puts you on the track."
"What sort of question?"
"Well, you might ask him, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?'
The blonde thought a moment, then said with a nervous laugh, "You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history."
"What's your father's occupation?" asked the school secretary on the first day of registration.
"He's a magician," said the new boy.
"How exciting. What's his best trick?"
"He saws people in half."
"How impressive! Now, do you have any brothers or sisters?"
"Yep...one half brother and two half sisters."
A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the
As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: "You're our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor."
Burglarize: What a thief sees you with.
Left Bank: What the robber did after his bag was full of cash.
Misty: What Tiger Woods never does.
Subdued: Like a guy who works on one of those submarines, man.
Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.
Eye Dropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.
Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.
"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you." - Carl Jung
"Anyone who lives within their means suffers from a lack of imagination." -Oscar Wilde
If a man is in the forest, and there isn't a woman around, is he still wrong?
A woman who called up the fire department and said, "Look, I've just had a new rock garden built and I've just planted some new roses, and.."
The fireman said, "Where's the fire?"
She said, "I've just spent a lot of money having my lawn mowed and my hedges clipped. Some of my new plants are very expensive..."
He said, "Look, lady, you don't want the fire department, you want a flower shop."
She said, "No, I don't. The house next door is on fire, and I don't want you clumsy fireman stomping all over my garden when you come over."
A little rural town had one of the highest birth rates in the country and this phenomenon attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university.
They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; moved to town; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.
While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter,
ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.
"Sure," said the druggist. "Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back
to sleep, and it's too early to get up."
"I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
--Robert McCloskey, State Department spokesman
While making rounds, a doctor points out an X-ray to a group of medical students. "As you can see," she says, "the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.
Michael, what would you do in a case like this?"
"Well," ponders the student, "I suppose I'd limp too."
Do Re Mi Beer - by Homer J. Simpson
DOUGH... The stuff that buys me beer.
RAY... The guy that sells me beer.
ME... The guy who drinks the beer
FAR... The distance to my beer.
SO... I think I'll have a beer.
LA... La la la la la la beer.
TEA... No thanks, I'm drinking beer.
That will bring us back to... (Looks into an empty glass) DOH!
"I'll keep it short and sweet. Family. Religion. Friendship.
These are the three demons you must slay if you wish to
succeed in business." - Montgomery Burns, THE SIMPSONS
Recently, a survey was conducted by the U.N. worldwide. The question
asked was: "would you please give your opinion about the food shortage in
the rest of the world?"
The survey was a huge failure because:
- In Africa, they didn't know what "food" means.
- In Western Europe, they didn't know what "shortage" means.
- In the Middle East, they didn't know what "opinion" means.
- In South America, they didn't know what "please" mean.
- And in the U.S.A, they didn't know what "the rest of the world" means.
After my husband and I had a huge argument, we ended up not talking to each other for days.
Finally, on the third day, he asked where one of his shirts was.
"Oh," I said, "So now you're speaking to me."
He looked confused, "What are you talking about?"
"Haven't you noticed I haven't spoken to you for three days?" I challenged.
"No," he said, "I just thought we were getting along."
A blonde called in a repairman to fix her electric clock.
He examined it and told her, "There's nothing wrong with the clock. You didn't have it plugged in."
She replied, "I don't want to waste electricity, so I only plug it in when I want to know what time it is."
A blind man with his seeing-eye dog walked into a bar.
The blind man picked up the dog and swung it around and around over his head.
The bartender runs up and asks, "Man, What the heck are you doing?"
The blind man replies, "Just taking a look around."
It's a sunny morning in the Old Forest and the Bear family are just waking up. Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table. He looks into his small bowl.
It is empty!
"Who's been eating my porridge?!" he squeaks.
Poppa Bear arrives at the table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl. It is also empty! "Who's been eating my porridge?!" he roars.
Mummy Bear puts her head through the door from the kitchen and yells, "For goodness sake, how many times do we have to go through this? I haven't made the porridge yet!"
"I have a dog that's half pit bull, half poodle. Not much
of a guard dog, but a vicious gossip."
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