"I just bought a microwave fireplace...You can spend a whole evening in front of it in only eight minutes."
One night a teenage girl brought her new boyfriend home to meet her parents, and they were appalled by his appearance: leather jacket, motorcycle boots, tattoos and pierced nose.
Later, the parents pulled their daughter aside and confessed their concern. "Dear," said the mother diplomatically, "he doesn't seem very nice."
"Oh please, Mom," replied the daughter, "if he wasn't nice, why would he be doing 500 hours of community service?"
Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."
Someone in our neighbourhood put a huge sofa out by the curb for trash collection. Since it was in good shape, many motorists slowed down for a look. But when they saw how enormous it was, they'd leave.
Eventually a compact car pulled up, and two men got out. "This I've got to see," I thought. They removed the cushions, turned the sofa upside down, and shook it hard. Then they picked up all the coins that tumbled out and drove off.
"Please, sir," pleaded the stranger, "Would you be so kind as to help a poor unfortunate fellow who is hungry and can't find work? All I have in the world is this gun."
"I suffer from two phobias: 1) Phobia-Phobia, the fear that you're unable to get scared, and 2) Xylophataquieopiaphobia, the fear of not pronouncing words correctly." - Brad Stine
A motorist had a flat tire in front of an insane asylum. He took the wheel off, but when he stood up he tipped over the hubcap containing the bolts, spilling them all down a sewer drain.
A patient, looking through the fence, suggested that the man take one bolt from the remaining three wheels to hold the fourth wheel in place until he could get to a service station.
The motorist thanked his profusely and said, "I don't know why you are in that place."
The patient said, "I'm here for being crazy, not for being stupid."
A wealthy investor walked into a bank and said to the bank manager, "I would like to speak with Mr. Reginald Jones, who I understand is a tried and trusted employee of yours."
The banker said, "Yes he certainly was trusted. And he will be tried as soon as we catch him!"
While trying to explain to our six-year-old daughter how much technology had changed, my husband pointed to our brand-new personal computer and told her that when he was in college, a computer with the same amount of power would have been the size of a house.
Wide-eyed, our daughter asked, "How big was the mouse?"
"This has all the earmarks of an eyesore." --James McSheehy, member of the San Francisco Board of Supervisors, commenting on a construction project he opposed.
"Be careful about reading health books. You might die of a misprint." --Mark Twain
A man who says marriage is a 50-50 proposition doesn't
understand two things: 1 - Women, 2 - Fractions
A physician presented his bill to the attorney representing a deceased person's estate. Each of them knew the other, having tangled quite a few times in court, where the doctor was often called as an "expert witness."
The Doctor asked the lawyer if he wanted the bill sworn to.
"No," replied the lawyer, "the death of my client is sufficient evidence that you attended him professionally."
"Be that as it may," replied the doctor, "the fact that you handled his affairs is probably why he couldn't afford to pay this bill in the first place."
"Imagine what it would be like if TV actually were good. It would be the end of everything we know." --Marvin Minksy
"The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5' 7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone." --Woody Allen
Jane had a system for labeling homemade freezer meals. She would carefully note in large clear letters, "Meatloaf" or "Pot Roast" or "Steak and Vegetables" or "Chicken and Dumplings" or "Beef Pot Pie."
Everyday when she asked her husband what he wanted for dinner, he never asked for any of those meals. She decided to stock the freezer with his various requests. What he really likes. In Jane's freezer you'll see a whole new set of labels. You'll find dinners with neat little tags that say:
"Whatever," "Anything," "I Don't Know," "I Don't Care," "Something Good," or "Food."
No more frustration for Jane because no matter what her husband replies when she asks him what he wants for dinner, it's there waiting.
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, "Are there any gators around here?!"
"Naw," the man hollered back, "Ain't been any for years!"
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming toward the shore.
As he got closer to shore he shouted to the guy again "What did you do to get rid of the gators?"
"We didn't do nothin," the beachcomber said. "The sharks got 'em all."
"I am a great believer in luck, and I find the harder I work the more I have of it." --Thomas Jefferson (1743 - 1826)
"The great question that has never been answered and which I have not been able to answer....is, What does a women want?"
"To be great is to be misunderstood." --Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I love being married... I was single for a long time and I just got sick of finishing my own sentences." --Brian Kiley
"Show me a man who is a good loser and I'll show you a man who is playing golf with his boss." --Jim Murray
"I was walking down fifth avenue today and I found a wallet, and I was gonna keep it, rather than return it, but I thought: well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel? And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson." --Emo Philips
While I was shopping in the mall with my three children, a display in the window of a lingerie store caught my eye. "Do you think Daddy would like this?" I asked the kids, as I pointed to the lacy pijamas with matching robe.
"No way," my horrified six-year-old son replied. "Daddy would NEVER wear that!"
"The trouble with being punctual is that nobody's there to
appreciate it." -- Franklin P. Jones
In my job with a credit union, I often run across accounts that are protected by password.
The credit-union member, when withdrawing funds, must produce identification and then give the password to the teller.
Recently, when I asked a woman for her password, she sighed, rolled her eyes and replied, "Save."
I was puzzled until she explained, "My husband used that pass-word so I'd have to say it every time I make a withdrawal."
At the company water cooler, I bragged about my children's world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern Italy, and my daughter was completing a yearlong research project in India.
One co-worker's quip, however, stopped me short. "What is it about you," he asked, "that makes your kids want to get so far away?"
A junior executive had been complaining to his wife of aches and pains.
Neither one could account for his trouble. Arriving home from work one night, he informed her.
"I finally discovered why I've been feeling so miserable. We got some ultra-modern office furniture two weeks ago, and I just learned today that I've been sitting in the wastebasket."