"A gossip is one who talks to you about others, a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself."
We were listening to a lecture on psychic phenomena in our Comparative Religions course. Our instructor told us about a woman who contacted police working on a missing-persons case. "She gave eerily detailed instructions on where to find the body," the teacher said.
"In fact, the detectives did find the body just as she had described. Now what would you call that kind of person?"
While the rest of us pondered the question, a sheriff's officer taking the course raised his hand and replied,
"You want us to do WHAT?" --Ancient Chinese wall engineer.
I love to read those advice columns in the newspaper.
I read one this morning. It said, "What's the worst thing a wife can get on her twenty-fifth wedding anniversary?"
And you know what the answer was? "Morning Sickness."
A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, "Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."
"Well," the doctor replied, "go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we'll get an idea about the severity of her deafness".
Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, "Honey, what's for dinner?" He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an
inch away, and asks again, "Honey, what's for dinner?" She replies, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"
The doctor took his patient into a room and said, "I have some good news and some bad news."
The patient said, "Give me the good news first."
"They're going to name a disease after you."
A couple of F-15's are escorting a C-130 Hercules, and their pilots are chatting with the pilot of the transport to pass the time. Talk comes around to the relative merits of their respective aircraft.
The fighter pilots contend that their airplanes were better because of their superior speed, maneuverability, weaponry, and so forth, and pointed out the Hercules deficiencies in these areas.
After taking this for a while, the C-130 pilot says, "Oh yeah? Well, I can do a few things in this old girl that
you'd only dream about."
Naturally, the fighter pilots challenge him to demonstrate.
"Just watch," comes the quick retort.
And so they watch. But all they see is that C-130 continue to fly straight and level...
After several minutes the Hercules pilot comes back on the air, "There! How was that?"
The fighter pilots reply, "What are you talking about? What did you do?"
And the Hercules pilot replies, "Well, I got up, stretched my legs, and got a cup of coffee."
Whenever I travel by plane someone always says, "Have a safe trip." Since when does a safe plane flight become my responsibility? I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to do! Go kick the tires, drug test the pilot, what? I feel I'm doing my part by not going up to the cockpit every five minutes and asking, "Are we there yet?"
"What some people mistake for the high cost of living is really the cost of high living." --Doug Larson
"Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent." --Laurence J. Peter
"If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the next morning you will have a flat tire."
--George E. Woodberry
Politicians have a constant need to be diplomatic. Witness this candidate for the Senate who travelled to a small town community to address the single church there. Unfortunately, he had forgotten to ask which denomination so that when it was time for his speech, he began in this way:
"My brethren, all. I must tell you that my great Grandfather was Presbyterian." (absolute silence);
"But my Grandmother was an Episcopalian." (more silence);
"I must tell you that my other Grandfather was a Christian Scientist." (deep silence);
"While my other Grandmother was Methodist." (even more silence).
"But I must tell you that I had an aunt who was a Baptist through and through." (loud cheers!)"
"And I have always considered my aunt's path to be the right one!"
A lady was browsing through everything at a yard sale and said to the hostess, "My husband is going to be so upset when he finds out I stopped at a yard sale."
"I'm sure he'll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found," the hostess replied.
"Normally, yes," the lady said. "But he just broke his leg, and he's waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set."
"I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once." --Jennifer Unlimited
"Nostalgia isn't what it used to be." --Peter De Vries
"Never be afraid to tell the world who you are." –Anonymous
"Inside every older person is a younger person -- wondering what the dickens happened." --Cora Harvey Armstrong
"Michael Jackson arrived in London on crutches after breaking his foot in a 'common household accident' at his Neverland Ranch. 'It could've happened to anyone,' Jackson told a reporter. 'See, Liz Taylor and I were chasing my llama around the elephant man's bones and I tripped on my cape.'"
While waiting in line at the bank, a co-worker developed an embarrassing case of hiccups. When he reached the teller's window, the hiccups seemed to have gotten worse. The teller took my friend's check and proceeded to run a computer verification of his account. After a minute she looked up from her terminal with a frown and said that she would be unable to cash his check.
"Why not?" my friend asked incredulously.
"I'm sorry, sir," she replied, "but our computer indicates that you do not have sufficient funds to cover this amount. As a matter of fact," she continued, "our records show your account overdrawn in excess of $5000."
"It can't be!" he cried. "You have to be kidding!"
"Yes, I am," she answered with a smile, counting out his cash. "But you will notice that your hiccups are gone."
[And this is how you get yourself punched in the face.]
One of the burdens of office of the small town mayor was his brother in-law, a fellow who liked to throw his or, rather, his in-law's political weight around. The mayor had instructed his policemen and other city officials to treat him just like they would any other taxpayer.
The brother-in-law got a ticket for overtime parking. He immediately descended in fury on police headquarters, waving the ticket and sputtering, "Hey, do you know who I am?"
The desk sergeant surveyed him calmly, picked up his telephone and dialled the mayor's office. "Tell the mayor," he said to the secretary, "that his brother-in-law is down here and can't remember his name."
"Most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of witnesses." --Margaret Millar
"And that's the world in a nutshell, an appropriate receptacle."
"You probably wouldn't worry about what people think of you if you could know how seldom they do." --Olin Miller
"The key to being a good manager is keeping the people who hate me away from those who are still undecided."
"McDonald's said they are going to start pre-cooking their burgers to put the fast back in fast food. What about putting the food back in fast food?" --Jay Leno
"In Mesa, AZ, police arrested a 71 year-old woman for running an amphetamine lab from a retirement home. The staff became suspicious when several of the residents were seen staying up after 7:30 pm." --Conan O'Brien
Ever notice that the people who are late are often much jollier than the people who have to wait for them?
The word 'aerobics' came about when the gym instructors got together and said: If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it Jumping up and down.
A mission statement is defined as "a long, awkward sentence that demonstrates management's inability to think clearly."
All good companies have one.
"I know that you believe that you understood what you think I said, but I am not sure you realize that what you heard is not what I meant."
--Robert McCloskey, State Department spokesman