The battle of the sexes has always proved to be fruitful ground for humour – depending which side you’re on. Here’s one for the men, and I’ll get one for the ladies later.
A man was walking along a Welsh beach and was in deep prayer to the Lord. He said, "Lord, you have promised to give me the desires of my heart. That's what I'm asking You for right now. Please give me a confirmation that you will grant my wish."
Suddenly the sky clouded up over his head and the Lord in a booming voice spoke to him. "I have searched your heart and determined it to be pure. Because you have been faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you the one wish you ask for."
The man sat and thought about it for awhile and said, "I've always wanted to go to Ireland, but I'm deathly afraid of flying and I get very seasick on boats. Could you build a bridge to Ireland so I can drive over there to visit whenever I want?"
The Lord laughed and said, "That's a tough one! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Irish Sea? Think of how much concrete . . . how much steel !! Your request is a little disappointing. I could do it, of course, but it's hard for me to justify your craving for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of another wish, a wish you think would honour and glorify me as well."
The man thought about it for a long while and tried to think of a really good wish. Finally, he said, "Here's the deal, Lord. I've been married and divorced four times. My wives always said I don't care and I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women. I want to know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatment. I want to know what they really mean when they say nothing. I want to know how to make them truly happy. That's the wish that I want, Lord."
Then after a few minutes, God said, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge?"
...AND FOR THE LADIES
Well OK, I said we’d balance that – here ladies is your fuel”
I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago.
The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good, but yours was excellent! The chair and back of your head are very realistic. You would be proud of him. Little Jennifer turned 3 in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jen despite the fact that it was stormy and the electricity was out.
I am doing well. I went blond about a year ago and was delighted to discover that it really was more fun.
I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realised that you don't mind being vacuumed and that the feather duster makes you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring. I'm not sure if you noticed it. I asked the painters to cut air holes in the drop cloths so you wouldn't be disturbed.
Well, dear, I must be going. The family is leaving on a ski trip and there is much packing to do. I've hired a house-keeper to take care of things while we are away. She'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to the computer room just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer have a lovely time while we are gone.
Tommy, Jen and I think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.
And here’s a bonus…
One night a wife found her husband standing over their new born baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.
Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband.
"A penny for your thoughts," she whispered.
"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only £49.95."
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