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Laughter Corner
This batch of laughter lines will only be funny if you understand the terms. They were circulating on the Internet a few years ago. If you don’t understand them and don’t find it funny, sorry.
“Cow Economics”
FEUDALISM. You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
FASCISM. You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM. You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
APPLIED COMMUNISM. You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP. You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
MILITARISM. You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you into the army.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY. You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
PURE DEMOCRACY. You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY. You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone who will tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY. The government promises to give you two cows, if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in Cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate",
but supports the president. The cow sues you for breach of contract. Your legal bills exceed your annual income. You settle out of court and declare bankruptcy.
BRITISH DEMOCRACY. You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY. You have two cows. At first the government regulate what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM. You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You retire on the income.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM. You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax deduction for keeping five cows. The milk rights of six cows are transferred via a Panamanian intermediary to a Cayman Islands company secretly owned by the majority shareholder, who sells the right to all seven cows' milk back to the listed company. The annual report says that the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Meanwhile, you kill the two cows because of bad "feng shui".
TOTALITARIANISM. You have two cows. The government takes them and denies they ever existed. Milk is banned.
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS. You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged, but no less valuable to society, bovines of non-specified gender. You are torn by feelings of guilt, your psychotherapist recommends a treatment centre. You spend six weeks there, paid for by the community health plan, and graduate into Guilty Anonymous.
COUNTERCULTURE. Wow, dude, there's like...these two cows, man. Uh, so, like, you have really got to do some of this milk, like, fer shur, it's awesome, man.
SURREALISM. You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
“Cow Economics”
FEUDALISM. You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.
FASCISM. You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them, and sells you the milk.
PURE COMMUNISM. You have two cows. Your neighbours help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.
APPLIED COMMUNISM. You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.
DICTATORSHIP. You have two cows. The government takes both and shoots you.
MILITARISM. You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you into the army.
SINGAPOREAN DEMOCRACY. You have two cows. The government fines you for keeping two unlicensed farm animals in an apartment.
PURE DEMOCRACY. You have two cows. Your neighbours decide who gets the milk.
REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY. You have two cows. Your neighbours pick someone who will tell you who gets the milk.
AMERICAN DEMOCRACY. The government promises to give you two cows, if you vote for it. After the election, the president is impeached for speculating in Cow futures. The press dubs the affair "Cowgate",
but supports the president. The cow sues you for breach of contract. Your legal bills exceed your annual income. You settle out of court and declare bankruptcy.
BRITISH DEMOCRACY. You have two cows. You feed them sheep's brains and they go mad. The government doesn't do anything.
EUROPEAN DEMOCRACY. You have two cows. At first the government regulate what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. After that it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.
CAPITALISM. You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You retire on the income.
HONG KONG CAPITALISM. You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly-
POLITICAL CORRECTNESS. You are associated with (the concept of 'ownership' is a symbol of the warmongering, intolerant past) two differently aged, but no less valuable to society, bovines of non-
SURREALISM. You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons
Ten Words that Don’t Exist but Should...
Parents need more words to describe the weird things that happen to them on a regular basis. Here are some suggestions.
1. AQUADEXTROUS (ak wa deks'trus)adj.
Possessing the ability to turn the bathtub faucet on and off with your toes.
2. CARPETUATION (kar pet' u a shun)n.
The act, when vacuuming, of running over a string or a piece of lint at least a dozen times, reaching over and picking it up, examining it, then putting it back down to give the vacuum one more chance.
3. DISCONFECT (dis kon fekt') v.
To sterilize the piece of candy you dropped on the floor by blowing on it, assuming this will somehow 'remove' all the germs.
4. ELBONICS (el bon'iks) n.
The actions of two people manoeuvring for one armrest in a movie theatre.
5. UNDUST (un dust')n.
The small line of debris that refuses to be swept onto the dust pan and keeps backing a person across the room until he finally decides to give up and sweep it under the rug.
6. LACTOMANGULATION (lak' to man gyu lay' shun)n.
The act of manhandling the "open here" spout on a milk container so badly that one has to resort to the 'illegal' side.
7. PEPPIER (peph ee ay')n.
The waiter at a fancy restaurant whose sole purpose seems to be walking around asking diners if they want ground pepper.
8. PHONESIA (fo nee' zhuh)n.
The affliction of dialling a phone number and forgetting whom you were calling just as they answer.
9. LATTEBLOW (la tay' blow)v.
Unintentional expulsion of milk through the nose during a laugh.
10. TELECRASTINATION (tel e kras tin ay' shun)n.
The act of always letting the phone ring at least twice before you pick it up, even when you're only six inches away