Ÿ	Should, ought, must, have to...These words presuppose rules and standards for behaviour that do not exist in reality.

Ÿ	They imply a consequence for non-compliance, and often evoke guilt. i.e if we don’t do these specific things terrible things will happen.

Ÿ	They often occur in people who have had a very strict or rigid upbringing or whose parents were perfectionists.

Ÿ	Life becomes very negative with all joy taken out of it, day after day of following rules.

Ÿ	One of the worst things about this is that we never achieve the goal because perfection is beyond our reach! Thus we always feel guilty or bad.

Ÿ	Instead: Replace the words should, ought, or must with the word "COULD" and realize the gift of choices.

Ÿ	A positive outlook on life sees variety of possibilities, with a sense of excitement.

Ÿ	We exaggerate reality with words like "always," "never," and "everyone,"

Ÿ	An example might be "I always eat too much--I will never be slim."

Ÿ	Instead: Replace exaggeration with words that more accurately reflect reality.

Ÿ	Example "I often eat more than I need, but I can change that."

Ÿ	The fact is that reality is rarely in such fixed absolutes.

Ÿ	e.g.1 James isn’t always nasty.

Ÿ	e.g.2 it doesn’t always rain on sports day.

Ÿ	e.g.3 the train isn’t always late arriving.

Ÿ	e.g.4 I never can get the spelling right.

Ÿ	e.g. 5 No one ever says anything encouraging about my work.

Ÿ	The reality will be that sometimes these things happen, but perhaps not today!

Ÿ	We distort reality by thinking only in extremes.

Ÿ	Our efforts become total failures or complete successes---with nothing in between.

Ÿ	So we get it wrong? It probably wasn’t the end of the world!

Ÿ	Instead: Chunk down your perceptions to see the parts of the whole, which can be positive, negative, and in-between. Give yourself options or choices whenever possible.

Ÿ	We lock low self-esteem in ourselves and others. Example: "I'm stupid," or "I'm fat." When we say phrases like these often, they become a part of our identity and we can begin to dislike who we are.

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Instead: Remember, people are not their faults or shortcomings. You may engage in stupid behaviour occasionally, but that doesn't make you a stupid person. Change your negative "I-am" statement into a statement about behaviours. Example: "I make unhealthy choices when it comes to food." It's easier to change a behaviour,

Ÿ	We assign guilt, instead of solving the problem. If we can blame others, then we can feel vindicated in a wrong-doing, and avoid responsibility.

Ÿ	Instead: Focus on what YOU can do to promote a solution to the problem.

Ÿ	When someone offers a possible solution to our problems, we "yes but..." and list reasons why the proposed solution won't work.

Ÿ	"Yes but..." says "I'm really not listening to you right now."

Ÿ	Instead: Open up to new possibilities and consider alternatives. Really listen to advice and give it a fair hearing, before dismissing it so quickly.

Ÿ	This is similar to stereotyping and thinking in absolutes.

Ÿ	It means that we take a single instance or occurrence, and generalize it to numerous other situations. Example: "Joe is a nice man, and he doesn't want to date me. Therefore: No nice man will ever want to date me." When misused, this kind of generalizing can lead to illogical conclusions.

Ÿ	Instead: Ask yourself whether there could be exceptions to your generalization. Does a single occurrence mean it will happen every time?