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Penny Glen’s Rants
2012: True Doom and Gloom?
Or an Excellent Incoming Year for Film and Technology?
Part 4 New Films - Reviewed the ‘Penny way’ Page 4 of 6
Or an Excellent Incoming Year for Film and Technology?
Part 4 New Films -
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The Human Centipede 2
The sequel to the most controversial film of 2010 has arrived, and it’s more horrible than ever. Tom Six and his sadistic whims have finally been passed by the BBFC after a mountain of film reel on the cutting room floor. I’m not sure whether to tell you what the general idea is, but I’m going to anyway because it’s funny. In the first one, maniacal doctor Heiter decides to create the ultimate being, out of three unwilling human victims: The Human Centipede! Now this I won’t explain, but I’ll just say that the creation (made up of three people) shares one gastric system....
I always remember my friend, Italian Pete saying to me that he was one of the first people to see the original screened at Frightfest 2009 and telling me one of his favourite moments in the film – when one of the American female victims learns of Dr. Heiter’s plan and escapes into his house, he catches up to her and announces to her ‘guess who is going in the middle’. The sequel was highly anticipated by complete weirdos like myself as it was promised to feature twelve people as the creature and not three this time. Only watch if you have an open mind and an empty stomach.
Conan the Barbarian
Useless sequel with an equally useless cast – so if you’ve seen the original with Arnie, you’re not missing anything. Believe me.
The Change Up
Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds swop bodies. Oh the hilarity. Not that this has ever been done before – has it? Mediocre comedy with America’s current funny men, which slowly makes me realise that I must have no sense of humour anymore. Please watch Bridesmaids instead.
Apollo 18
I call this Paranormal Activity in space. The astronauts of Apollo 18 go up to the moon and film their experiences with handheld cameras. It soon becomes apparent that they are not the only living being up there and are slowly stalked by something that wants them dead. Not bad at all to be honest, though some people have gotten annoyed by the ‘shaky cam’ experience.
Columbiana
Zoe Saldana is the assassin trained from birth to avenge her family’s deaths at the hands of a criminal mastermind. It doesn’t sound interesting, and it really wasn’t to watch. A very average with a step down for Saldana who impressed quite a bit in Avatar and the Losers. It is a film that is neither fantastic nor atrocious, but sometimes coasting in the middle for me is a lot worse in my overall impressions – being that it makes no impression for me whatsoever.
The Debt
Stupidly, I haven’t seen this yet even though I really, really want to. Every time I rent this out I get distracted by something I have to do or I just don’t get time to watch it. Helen Mirren, Tom Wilkinson and Ciaran Hinds star as retired Mossad agents who are made to look deep into their past and into an important mission that is now being questioned by their superiors. Sent to take out a Nazi general in 1965, we see their younger selves (Sam Worthington, Jessica Chastain and Marton Csokas) carry out and complete the controversial mission at great personal risk – or did they? You know what, I’m sold. I’m going to rent it out tonight and have a watch.
Crazy, Stupid, Love
Steve Carell is dumped by Julian Moore and becomes depressed enough to drink profusely and sing terribly at his local bar. Ryan Gosling (in this third appearance in the chart) is the ladies man who has no relationships who attempts to get him on his feet again. The plot sounds boring, but believe me – the film is not. It’s actually quite endearing, with funny and believable performances from our leads – with an added surprise at the end which I thought was quite brilliant. There aren’t enough romcoms out there today to get me interested, so I’ll say that this one served as a start, and got young girls interested in Ryan Gosling again since his appearance in the notebook. To me, this isn’t Gosling’s forte (being a much, much better actor than just a romcom guy), but he carries it off with charm and style. Good indeedy.
Red State
Now, this film deals with something I’m hearing too much about these days. A group of ‘God Fearing’ extremists who have formed their own church/cult and give true Christians a bad name by forcefully protesting against other races and homosexuality – and in this film, going a little bit further than that. These people are certainly not religious in my opinion; they are backward individuals who have a warped belief system that they try to force on other people. True Christians believe in giving others kindness and love, and I know enough of them to know they are decent people.
This film deals with extremism at its most extreme – when three young boys are lured into the home of an older woman with the promise of sex, they are drugged and wake up inside cages at a ‘church meeting’. Cultists then mean to use the boys as examples of ‘sin’ and plan to kill them, until one bad decision involves the police and a stand-off ensues. Directed by Kevin Smith, this undoubtedly follows his personal brand of crazy – and I quite enjoyed it. Again, those who take risks put themselves on my radar. Those of you who have seen Dogma will know what I mean.
Melancholia
Aha. Another outing by the controversial director Lars Von Trier. His last film AntiChrist caused many people (including myself) to question their sanity. As if Willem Dafoe constantly naked wasn’t enough there were some images in there that even I found worrying. His latest film Melancholia continues my theory that his mind is definitely not on this planet at the moment, but saying that – this is a very good film and I enjoyed it a lot more than AntiChrist. At the Canne Film Festival last year, he was caught by journalists saying some quite erm...Nazi remarks and was then regarded as an untouchable by many. This film is the Von Trier way of saying ‘I’m sorry’ and dialling it down a bit – and it works. His imagery is unrivalled and the way he gets performances out of people like Kirsten Dunst, Kiefer Sutherland and Alexander Skarsgard is uncanny.
Oh and before I forget – the film is about a woman who calls off her wedding when she becomes dangerously depressed with her life and the fact that she thinks the world will end soon. It’s strange and mesmerising, so watch if you can.
Demons Never Die
Your standard British horror film with your standard British music ‘artists’ posing as actors to get people to watch it. Amusing to say to least, but watch this if you have run out of options.
Win Win
A lawyer moonlighting a volunteer volleyball coach has his practice called into question when some dodgy dealings come to light. Paul Giamatti is the man, so this is definitely worth watching if you want a good story and some excellent acting.
What’s Your Number
Only worth watching my friends if you like Chris Evans and/or are doing a little bit of research concerning his role in the Avengers. Not much else is good about this film and Anna Faris is enough to send you in the other direction.
Perfect Sense
Eva Green and Ewan Mcgregor star in this hybrid of Contagion and Melancholia. They fall in love as a deadly epidemic grows around them and deprives humans of their senses one by one. It also reminds me of Blindness with Julianne Moore – but it doesn’t quite have the impact. It was alright, more art oriented than I would have liked but do have a go at this if you liked Melancholia.
I Don’t Know How She Does It
Sarah Jessica Parker is the woman who does everything at once; she is a dedicated mother, a loving wife, a hardworking colleague and a good friend. All things considered, I thought this whole thing was a disaster from start to finish – partly due to the inevitable typecasting from Sex and the City. Remember when she was playing roles like the younger mistress in ‘The First Wives Club’ back in the nineties? Yeah, that makes me look old....the shame. It is a good attempt at a decent rom com, with performances by Pierce Brosnan and Greg Kinnear but it isn’t enough to convince me to like it.
A Dolphin Tale
This is the story of Winter the dolphin, who had her tail surgically removed when she was found severely wounded by a fishing net and found swept ashore. Magically, Morgan Freeman and his awesomeness show up to make her a prosthetic tail – can she learn to use it to swim again? Disney certainly thinks so, and since this was a true story we should all believe in happy endings too. Sometimes nauseatingly sweet, this story could use a few pointers of improvement but your kids will love it.
Continued on next page
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The sequel to the most controversial film of 2010 has arrived, and it’s more horrible than ever. Tom Six and his sadistic whims have finally been passed by the BBFC after a mountain of film reel on the cutting room floor. I’m not sure whether to tell you what the general idea is, but I’m going to anyway because it’s funny. In the first one, maniacal doctor Heiter decides to create the ultimate being, out of three unwilling human victims: The Human Centipede! Now this I won’t explain, but I’ll just say that the creation (made up of three people) shares one gastric system....
I always remember my friend, Italian Pete saying to me that he was one of the first people to see the original screened at Frightfest 2009 and telling me one of his favourite moments in the film – when one of the American female victims learns of Dr. Heiter’s plan and escapes into his house, he catches up to her and announces to her ‘guess who is going in the middle’. The sequel was highly anticipated by complete weirdos like myself as it was promised to feature twelve people as the creature and not three this time. Only watch if you have an open mind and an empty stomach.
Conan the Barbarian
Useless sequel with an equally useless cast – so if you’ve seen the original with Arnie, you’re not missing anything. Believe me.
The Change Up
Jason Bateman and Ryan Reynolds swop bodies. Oh the hilarity. Not that this has ever been done before – has it? Mediocre comedy with America’s current funny men, which slowly makes me realise that I must have no sense of humour anymore. Please watch Bridesmaids instead.
Apollo 18
I call this Paranormal Activity in space. The astronauts of Apollo 18 go up to the moon and film their experiences with handheld cameras. It soon becomes apparent that they are not the only living being up there and are slowly stalked by something that wants them dead. Not bad at all to be honest, though some people have gotten annoyed by the ‘shaky cam’ experience.
Columbiana
Zoe Saldana is the assassin trained from birth to avenge her family’s deaths at the hands of a criminal mastermind. It doesn’t sound interesting, and it really wasn’t to watch. A very average with a step down for Saldana who impressed quite a bit in Avatar and the Losers. It is a film that is neither fantastic nor atrocious, but sometimes coasting in the middle for me is a lot worse in my overall impressions – being that it makes no impression for me whatsoever.
The Debt
Stupidly, I haven’t seen this yet even though I really, really want to. Every time I rent this out I get distracted by something I have to do or I just don’t get time to watch it. Helen Mirren, Tom Wilkinson and Ciaran Hinds star as retired Mossad agents who are made to look deep into their past and into an important mission that is now being questioned by their superiors. Sent to take out a Nazi general in 1965, we see their younger selves (Sam Worthington, Jessica Chastain and Marton Csokas) carry out and complete the controversial mission at great personal risk – or did they? You know what, I’m sold. I’m going to rent it out tonight and have a watch.
Crazy, Stupid, Love
Steve Carell is dumped by Julian Moore and becomes depressed enough to drink profusely and sing terribly at his local bar. Ryan Gosling (in this third appearance in the chart) is the ladies man who has no relationships who attempts to get him on his feet again. The plot sounds boring, but believe me – the film is not. It’s actually quite endearing, with funny and believable performances from our leads – with an added surprise at the end which I thought was quite brilliant. There aren’t enough romcoms out there today to get me interested, so I’ll say that this one served as a start, and got young girls interested in Ryan Gosling again since his appearance in the notebook. To me, this isn’t Gosling’s forte (being a much, much better actor than just a romcom guy), but he carries it off with charm and style. Good indeedy.
Red State
Now, this film deals with something I’m hearing too much about these days. A group of ‘God Fearing’ extremists who have formed their own church/cult and give true Christians a bad name by forcefully protesting against other races and homosexuality – and in this film, going a little bit further than that. These people are certainly not religious in my opinion; they are backward individuals who have a warped belief system that they try to force on other people. True Christians believe in giving others kindness and love, and I know enough of them to know they are decent people.
This film deals with extremism at its most extreme – when three young boys are lured into the home of an older woman with the promise of sex, they are drugged and wake up inside cages at a ‘church meeting’. Cultists then mean to use the boys as examples of ‘sin’ and plan to kill them, until one bad decision involves the police and a stand-
Melancholia
Aha. Another outing by the controversial director Lars Von Trier. His last film AntiChrist caused many people (including myself) to question their sanity. As if Willem Dafoe constantly naked wasn’t enough there were some images in there that even I found worrying. His latest film Melancholia continues my theory that his mind is definitely not on this planet at the moment, but saying that – this is a very good film and I enjoyed it a lot more than AntiChrist. At the Canne Film Festival last year, he was caught by journalists saying some quite erm...Nazi remarks and was then regarded as an untouchable by many. This film is the Von Trier way of saying ‘I’m sorry’ and dialling it down a bit – and it works. His imagery is unrivalled and the way he gets performances out of people like Kirsten Dunst, Kiefer Sutherland and Alexander Skarsgard is uncanny.
Oh and before I forget – the film is about a woman who calls off her wedding when she becomes dangerously depressed with her life and the fact that she thinks the world will end soon. It’s strange and mesmerising, so watch if you can.
Demons Never Die
Your standard British horror film with your standard British music ‘artists’ posing as actors to get people to watch it. Amusing to say to least, but watch this if you have run out of options.
Win Win
A lawyer moonlighting a volunteer volleyball coach has his practice called into question when some dodgy dealings come to light. Paul Giamatti is the man, so this is definitely worth watching if you want a good story and some excellent acting.
What’s Your Number
Only worth watching my friends if you like Chris Evans and/or are doing a little bit of research concerning his role in the Avengers. Not much else is good about this film and Anna Faris is enough to send you in the other direction.
Perfect Sense
Eva Green and Ewan Mcgregor star in this hybrid of Contagion and Melancholia. They fall in love as a deadly epidemic grows around them and deprives humans of their senses one by one. It also reminds me of Blindness with Julianne Moore – but it doesn’t quite have the impact. It was alright, more art oriented than I would have liked but do have a go at this if you liked Melancholia.
I Don’t Know How She Does It
Sarah Jessica Parker is the woman who does everything at once; she is a dedicated mother, a loving wife, a hardworking colleague and a good friend. All things considered, I thought this whole thing was a disaster from start to finish – partly due to the inevitable typecasting from Sex and the City. Remember when she was playing roles like the younger mistress in ‘The First Wives Club’ back in the nineties? Yeah, that makes me look old....the shame. It is a good attempt at a decent rom com, with performances by Pierce Brosnan and Greg Kinnear but it isn’t enough to convince me to like it.
A Dolphin Tale
This is the story of Winter the dolphin, who had her tail surgically removed when she was found severely wounded by a fishing net and found swept ashore. Magically, Morgan Freeman and his awesomeness show up to make her a prosthetic tail – can she learn to use it to swim again? Disney certainly thinks so, and since this was a true story we should all believe in happy endings too. Sometimes nauseatingly sweet, this story could use a few pointers of improvement but your kids will love it.
Continued on next page
Top of Page