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Penny Glen’s Rants
2012: True Doom and Gloom?
Or an Excellent Incoming Year for Film and Technology?
There are times when we are called middle of the road and mundane. Be that as it may (and it’s probably because your editor is OLD) when we opened the door for Penny to rant, that accusation fell on the floor. For anyone over the age of forty you might want to stay away from this page and if you read it, don’t say you weren’t warned so please don’t complain. Here is a breath of fresh air  to blow the cobwebs away as Penny airs her views on the year that has just been. More will follow on a weekly basis, on the title above
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Hi everyone! I hope you all are liking the new year so far and had a fantastic break at the end of last one! It’s been bitterly cold and miserable over Christmas, with the unwanted and annoying snow shower for us all to make snow angels in, so I know that most of you (like me) have probably been seeking indoor entertainment. I hope that my advice on buying your ideal console helped, and trust me parents – have a little go at a combat game. It helps quite a bit with the stress relief....

I had a great time with my family, spent a lot on the gas meter to heat the house and on the fourth of January my sister gave birth to my second niece in under two hours! So now unfortunately for their mother, I can lovingly corrupt two beautiful little girls with my rants. Good times.

Although this piece has a slightly foreboding title, the Mayan prophesy won’t be discussed this time. However, I do want to rant about much worse things i.e. are there any good films coming out this year?

 Much more important things, I think you’ll agree....

I won’t dwell, but due to inevitable tradition I am going to subject you to a summary of what I hated about last year.

Things I hated about last year

· The annoying and unnecessary boom of 3D technology
Enough said really. I hate how 3D is the new thing and is being applied to everything in post-production. Studios are forcing producers and directors to either shoot in 3D or apply it later because they want to make more money from the gimmick. Even Mr Martin Scorsese has done it with Hugo (but to be honest, anything he does has a sense of quality about it) and yet 3D in general really is just taking away from any quality or positive reputation a film could have. Jon Favreau who recently directed Cowboys and Aliens is the only director that I’ve heard of who refused to use 3D technology for his film. Although it didn’t really make his film any better, I still respect his decision to defy the studio, stating that he thought 3D would take away from the Old West atmosphere. 3D would probably take away from the initial surprise of aliens and superior technology existing in this period, or pummel the film with a big visual overload. Go on Jon! I salute you for standing up to them!

· Remakes Galore
Seriously. You know my opinions on lazy filmmaking. Last year was made up of the big three Penny’s rants no no’s: Remakes, Adaptations, Sequels. Around 70 percent of the films last year fit into these categories, making me lose faith in the brilliant script writers and directors of cinema. In no way am I insinuating that all of these films are bad, I’m just annoyed at the lack of originality. It’s shame really.

· Olympics Chatter and the Park Catalogue
Ugh. I know it’s culturally significant. I know it gives hope to millions. I KNOW that London’s economy will become awesome (if Mr. Boris hasn’t overspent building the stadiums). But oh goodness – shush about the Olympics! It’s like the days after Christmas when that certain Catalogues starts advertising for Christmas the following year. The year is NOT about Christmas and the past four years has NOT been about the Olympics. Seriously though, no matter how much money London spends on Stratford, it’s still going to be like applying drag makeup to a homeless person. It doesn’t sit right and you can see that underneath the fake, glossy veneer of the remodelling – it’s rotten inside.

· Ricky Gervais
Unfortunately, the man is a genius. When it comes to An Idiot Abroad (the first season, not the second) it was a brilliant and embarrassing look into Karl Pilkington and his ‘Karlisms’. Yet every time he was on the phone with Ricky, the inevitable fake laugh made me cringe something awful. I almost got to the point of fast forwarding those moments. The reason why he is part of things I hated about last year – is quite simply his smugness and the inexplicable reasoning of the Hollywood Foreign Press when they picked him to be the Golden Globe presenter this year. Again. After the travesty of last time and the many complaints against him. Billy Crystal should present everything. End of.

· Useless Celebrities and Pointless Drivel
Yeah, we all know the ones. The ones who are famous because they are rich, vile, selfish and idiotic.  They litter the front pages of our newspapers and magazines instead of pressing issues. They take away the limelight from anything else worth knowing. I just can’t be bothered to remember who they are!   Has anyone heard of that machine that will allow doctors to communicate with people in comas? Did you know that people are worried it could turn into a form of mind reading in the future? No, most people didn’t. They were too concerned about when a certain spoilt girl was coming out of jail and when another was going back in for constant drink and drugs offences. Interesting

· Newer isn’t necessarily better
I really hate this perception. New iPhones that can be activated with your voice. New 3D technology and how amazing flying objects seem to fly at you effortlessly. New C.G.I. that can replace practical special effects and even characters in films. Newer is not better I assure you. It is more advanced, but not better. It is the effort that filmmakers put in that really impresses people and shows audiences how much they care about a project. What can that fancy touchscreen do that a little pen and paper can’t? My dumb touch-screen phone constantly freezes and I’ve had to replace it three times. Nice. Oh, and Apple can just go away.

· Annoying Resident Evil film remakes
Paul W.S. Anderson and his lovely wife Ms. Milla keep on ruining my dreams. As a huge fan of Capcom’s Resident Evil game series, it physically causes me pain every time a sequel to the inexplicably popular film series is released. Apparently if you include the monsters and the characters in the films that made the games so good – the automatically makes the films good too. Not the case. It also helps to slap a bit of 3D on there too...and you know how much I hate that. So when Resident Evil 5 (the film) gets released later on this year, expect anger that you have never seen before. Oh and if you liked the Three Musketeers in any adaptation throughout the years – stay away from the latest one (helmed by none other than Mr. Anderson). I’ll explain more later.

When Resident Evil 6 (the game) is released in November however – euphoria will drown these pages and I shouldn’t be angry for at least a week. Bless you Capcom.

Wow. I am such a nerd.

Continued next week

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