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d) Choices of Behaviour (Continued)

Example 3: As an alternative to the above, Tracy says she won't mop up after taking mud across the floor. The consequences and choices now get a bit heavier. “OK, darling, you have the choice, you can either put your shoes on the mat and mop up and then go and get ready to go out as we planned, or you put your shoes on the mat and go to your room while I clear up and that means we won't have time to go out like we had planned. It's your choice. What do you want to do?”
  
Example 4: Ten year old Jeff has been invited by a friend to go ice skating on Thursday evening and to go and watch videos with another friend across town on Friday evening. Dad realises this is going to mean a lot of taxiing around town and also that Jeff isn't going to have enough time to get his school work done. He puts the choice to Jeff: “Jeff, it's good to have lots of friends but being out two nights running is going to put a lot of pressure on us and on you. You can either choose to go out Thursday or Friday evening, or you could invite your friend round here to watch videos on Friday evening but that will mean you'll have to put aside Saturday morning to do your school work. Which would you prefer?”
      
    
4. Preventing Misbehaviour
  
From what has already been said above, we can see that misbehaviour may be prevented or avoided by thinking ahead in the following ways:
  
a) Control the environment

· Put dangerous items, breakables and valuables out of the reach of toddlers.

· As they grow ensure areas for play are safe – guards around fires, plugs in socket outlets etc.

    

· If possible ensure you have interesting toys for your child. Play is essential and variety is good. (My wife separated off some of the children's toys and brought them out at intervals so that there were a variety of toys for them to play with - ‘new' toys or toys that have not been available for a while are always more interesting).

 
b) Lay down expectations
  

· Keep rules to a minimum, but do have rules where you consider them necessary, which should be reasonable and consistent.

· Establish patterns for the day - times to go out, times for play, times to go to bed. Familiarity breeds a sense of security.

· Have special ‘events' days out, or special things to do to break in occasionally to the ordinary, and to have things to look forward to and through which to create good memories.

· Let it be known that you expect your child's cooperation and that there are things that will not be said or done in this family. That sets boundaries and expectations that can be met.

· Get into the habit, where possible, of giving 5 to 10 minutes warning of when you want them to stop what they are doing to move on to something else (e.g. going out, sitting down for meal etc.)

     
c) Interact with your Child
  

· Be available to your child, but this doesn't mean to say they need to have every moment of your attention.

· Always be a good example to your child – they will follow what they see in you (not what you just say!). If you get angry take a ‘time out' and apologise later.

· Watch your voice with your child. Never shout at them in anger. You will need to raise your voice to them to catch their attention sometimes, but always seek to be caring and respectful and loving in the way you address them.

   
d) Reinforcing Good Behaviour
  
If you create a climate or environment where good behaviour is something that is clearly expected, and is something to be worked at, this will also be something that reduces the likelihood of having to deal with misbehaviour.
  
Remember, there is a fine line to be walked between:

· creating such high expectations that your child is always in a state of tension and guilt, and

· having such an easy going approach that your child feels either

· insecure from the absence of boundaries or

· unchallenged by having nothing to aim for.

Good behaviour can be reinforced by:

· acknowledgement of achievement and success - praise

· affirmation of your love generally – encouragement

      
              In these various ways you will head off the likelihood of misbehaviour.
 

5. Recap
  
Things we've looked at on this page have been:

1. What is Discipline?
•  that discipline is about bringing self-control before bringing correction
•  when self-control is absent, problems erupt  
2. Long-Term Training
•  training starts with self-esteem building
•  giving choices is better than giving in or giving orders
•  boundaries of behaviour have to be established
•  a baby doesn't have misbehaviour but that changes with growth
•  talking within the family creates an environment to deal with difficulties
3. Giving Choices
•  giving your child choices is a choice you make
•  they will make choices throughout life
•  Toddlers are too young to make choices
•  facing the consequences helps make choice of behaviour
4. Preventing Misbehaviour
•  we can head off misbehaviour by controlling the environment
•  creating expectations to work to can head off misbehaviour
•  a close relationship with your child will head-off misbehaviour
•  reinforcing good behaviour helps counter misbehaviour

  
This page has really all been about working to create self-control in your child so that they determine their behaviour and are not driven by poor responses.
  
The suggestion is that you start empowering your child to be in control of themselves from their earliest years and in this way they determine the outcomes of their life.
  
There are suggested a variety of ways that we can work on that. You may need to go back over this page and work through these things again to come to a fuller understanding of them so that you can apply them to help equip your child for the years ahead.


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