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Parenting Guide Sheets
15. Misbehaviour
15. Misbehaviour
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Page 15C
3. Other Considerations
a) The Other Side of the Coin
Whenever we identify a negative behaviour goal we tend to see it just like that – negative!
However for each one there is something positive, so consider these:
Attention getting – child wants involvement – involve them in helping in simple things in the home.
Exerting Power – child wants to make their own decisions – give opportunities to make choices and make decisions so that this will slowly develop responsibility and independence.
Revenge – child wants fairness and justice – teach justice and what is fair, and how to cope when life doesn't always appear fair.
Inadequacy – inadequacy recognises that ability is possible, even if at the moment it doesn't seem so – so encourage goals and targets that are achievable to overcome future fears of life's obstacles which can be overcome.
NB. These “other side of the coin” things are not made up to make you feel good about your child's mistaken goals, but they are genuine building blocks for a better future.
b) Requirements for this to Work
To be able to use the things here in this section requires various fairly obvious things:
i) You understand them
This means you need to read through the four mistaken goals again and really ensure you understand what it being said.
ii) You seek to apply them
If you find your child misbehaving, first of all see what emotion is arising in you – irritation, anger, hurt or defeat and see if all else ‘fits'.
iii) A willingness to face up and be honest
This is the hardest and yet the most important, because it is an acknowledgement that you have contributed towards your child's behaviour and therefore you are also part of the solution.
c) Is this all there is?
It may be that you come to the end of this section and think, “Well, I don't know, nothing of this seems to fit. If that is so, you are probably in agreement with me when I suggest that no school of psychology has got the complete picture.
As I noted above, after Dreikurs there were others who added excitement, peer acceptance and superiority and it may well be that others will come up with yet more that I have not yet picked up on.
d) Look again at your child
Before we move on to specific techniques for discipline, you do need to be reminded that your child is unique and what works for one child doesn't necessarily work for another.
You may have a friend with a child and some particular technique worked for them. Try it by all means but if it doesn't work, don't be put off, just look at your child again and think about who they are. Perhaps go back to the page that speaks about their traits and personality and think afresh, what sort of person are they?
Some children are remarkably compliant. It's just how they are. They were born like it and they are a dream to bring up (in fact you wish they were less so sometimes!) But then there are other children who are determined to be their own person from the word go! They are the self-willed, or strong willed. You don't want to beat that out of them because they'll probably be tomorrow's dynamic people leading the country!
We need to approach each child uniquely, so however much you take in of the techniques, at the end of the day, you will be having to ask yourself, what best fits MY child, and that is a decision only you can make!
So, as you review this page, catch an overview of approaches, understand the theory of what might be making your child act as they are, ponder how to make it work. On the next page we’ll see the range of options open to you to bring discipline and IF you need to resort to smacking on rare occasions as a last resort, there are clear ground rules.
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a) The Other Side of the Coin
Whenever we identify a negative behaviour goal we tend to see it just like that – negative!
However for each one there is something positive, so consider these:
Attention getting – child wants involvement – involve them in helping in simple things in the home.
Exerting Power – child wants to make their own decisions – give opportunities to make choices and make decisions so that this will slowly develop responsibility and independence.
Revenge – child wants fairness and justice – teach justice and what is fair, and how to cope when life doesn't always appear fair.
Inadequacy – inadequacy recognises that ability is possible, even if at the moment it doesn't seem so – so encourage goals and targets that are achievable to overcome future fears of life's obstacles which can be overcome.
NB. These “other side of the coin” things are not made up to make you feel good about your child's mistaken goals, but they are genuine building blocks for a better future.
b) Requirements for this to Work
To be able to use the things here in this section requires various fairly obvious things:
i) You understand them
This means you need to read through the four mistaken goals again and really ensure you understand what it being said.
ii) You seek to apply them
If you find your child misbehaving, first of all see what emotion is arising in you – irritation, anger, hurt or defeat and see if all else ‘fits'.
iii) A willingness to face up and be honest
This is the hardest and yet the most important, because it is an acknowledgement that you have contributed towards your child's behaviour and therefore you are also part of the solution.
c) Is this all there is?
It may be that you come to the end of this section and think, “Well, I don't know, nothing of this seems to fit. If that is so, you are probably in agreement with me when I suggest that no school of psychology has got the complete picture.
As I noted above, after Dreikurs there were others who added excitement, peer acceptance and superiority and it may well be that others will come up with yet more that I have not yet picked up on.
d) Look again at your child
Before we move on to specific techniques for discipline, you do need to be reminded that your child is unique and what works for one child doesn't necessarily work for another.
You may have a friend with a child and some particular technique worked for them. Try it by all means but if it doesn't work, don't be put off, just look at your child again and think about who they are. Perhaps go back to the page that speaks about their traits and personality and think afresh, what sort of person are they?
Some children are remarkably compliant. It's just how they are. They were born like it and they are a dream to bring up (in fact you wish they were less so sometimes!) But then there are other children who are determined to be their own person from the word go! They are the self-
We need to approach each child uniquely, so however much you take in of the techniques, at the end of the day, you will be having to ask yourself, what best fits MY child, and that is a decision only you can make!
So, as you review this page, catch an overview of approaches, understand the theory of what might be making your child act as they are, ponder how to make it work. On the next page we’ll see the range of options open to you to bring discipline and IF you need to resort to smacking on rare occasions as a last resort, there are clear ground rules.
Top of Page