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Penny Glen’s Rants
Is there actually anything good out at the moment to watch? (Part 4)
Or are we doomed to mediocre films for the rest of our days?

Continued (Worst Things)
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Section Two: The Worst Things out at the Moment (Continued)

There are some films on the wall that I didn’t mind watching. They weren’t awesome but they weren’t entirely diabolical either. They will suit to fill some spare time or to have in the background while you’re vacuuming. Either way they didn’t make me completely want to start ranting, which is a feat in itself.
Water for Elephants is the new Robert ‘R-Patz’ Pattinson romantic circus drama. What is good is Christolph ‘Hans Landa’ Waltz as the maniacal owner of the circus and husband of Reece Witherspoon. What is bad is the lack of chemistry whatsoever with R’Patz and Witherspoon as they become lovers behind Waltz’s back. The elephant Rosie was cute though.
Arthur is the remake of the British comedy of the same name and inexplicably has one actor I love (Helen Mirren) and one actor I hate (Russel Brand) in the same film. I’m not sure what the power of mathematics does here but even though a good actor and a bad one normally makes a watchable film...I still can’t find myself wanting to rent this and infect my Blu-Ray player with it. Might come in handy for when you’ve seen everything else.

In the latest of Hollywood’s money makin’ schemes we have horror director Wes Craven and screenwriter Kevin Williamson calling Sydney Prescott, Gail Weathers and Dewey Riley out of retirement.
Scream 4 was in  word – ‘stiff’. Ghostface is wreaking havoc again and *SHOCK HORROR* there are young, nubile bodies to maim, torture and kill. Personally the scariest thing in the film is Courtney Cox’s surgery enhanced lips – but hey. See only if bored. I’d also recommend the same for Red Riding Hood, the latest thing trying to cash in on the success of Twilight and hormone ridden tweens. I highly suspect that Gary Oldman needed the money at the time (as he confessed to doing so for Harry Potter), but without trying, he’s the best actor in the film.  It’s pretty much, a young girl is in love with a guy, forcefully engaged to another and wanted by a mysterious, monstrous black wolf. At least Twilight managed to pull a decent enough story out of the air, instead of this latest adaptation. An average film, with below average potential to be anything else.
So that’s my pick out of the lot, and the rest of the current films will be presented in handy bullet-point format:
No Strings Attached. Boring Rom-Com with Natalie Portman and Ashton Kutcher. Can friends sleep with each other without feeling something? I don’t care.
Anuvahood. Annoying ‘comedy’ with chav youths trying to make it as rapstars. Ugh

The Green Hornet. Superhero adaptation with Seth Rogan. Supposed to be funny and awesome but not even Christoph Waltz could save this for me. Got bored after half an hour.
Beastly. Re-working of the beauty and the beast story with that guy from Stormbreaker and that chick from High School Musical. Alright viewing, but the way the protagonist is turned ugly (tattoos and scars all over the face etc) is pretty much what I saw whenever I went to Camden.

Fast and Furious 5. Man film with shiny, shiny cars. Only for you if you liked the rest. Poor Vin Diesel though, despite his facade he is quite the intelligent bloke who prefers to write screenplays. Instead he’s stuck doing stuff like this. With Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson.
Just Go With It. Boring comedy with Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston. Same old thing really. Guy likes a girl, but gets his secretary to pose as his ex-wife to look more awesome. It doesn’t work out, average comedy timings ensue and Penny got bored.

Drive Angry. Nicholas Cage is angry, with a car, vengeance and a hot chick. Fun and frisky, but fairly silly in dialogue and Cage hair.

The Social Network. That film about Facebook that shows that its creator Mark Zuckerberg really was, not very nice man in general. The film itself dragged and even though Facebook is a global entity that pretty much everyone uses, I’m not sure its story needed to be told through film. Un-satisfactory, but watchable for the two leads.

Fair Game. Spy, espionage thriller with Naomi Watts and Sean Penn. Slowly paced for a spy thriller and quite un-remarkable in its execution. Enjoyable for those who like this sort of thing.

The Eagle. Its time for another Roman Epic film, but this one should have been left on paper. Channing Tatum and Jamie Bell star.
Gnomeo and Juliet. Kids film I didn’t bother with. Voice talents include James McAvoy, The Stath, Ozzy Osbourne and songs by Elton John. Actually I think the whole thing was his idea, but it still doesn’t make me want to watch it any more.

Love and Other Drugs. Jake Gyllenhaal and Anne Hathaway are lovers who find out something about each-other while the Viagra pill was being given out in the 80’s. Depressing, but a good start for the two leads before they move onto bigger and better things.

Life as We Know It. Rom-Com about two people who have to raise their best friend’s child after they die in an accident. It’s alright and the leads are very believable with excellent chemistry. One of the better ones out there.

London Boulevard. Colin Farrell is the ex-gangster hired to protect movie star Keira Knightley from over enthusiastic fans. However, Ray ‘you slag’ Winstone is not ready to let old Colin out of his gangster group just yet. The film is average in entertainment value, but my mother and I watch this for Winstone – as she’s met him and had a drink with him. He’s apparently the nicest bloke in the world, but this means that every film he is in – we get a bit biased. Make up your own minds.

Brighton Rock. This is the only film on the list that I haven’t seen and the reason for this is because it just looks too boring. I will watch relatively anything but every now and then I’ll let one slip past my radar because it is meaningless to me. If anyone enjoys this, let me know why. I suspect Helen Mirren’s appearance may be a plus though.

The Resident. A new Hammer House of Horror offering after years in the proverbial dark, and it of course has Christopher Lee in there as a deranged, creepy grandfather. Otherwise, the plot revolves around a nurse who moves into a new apartment and gets stalked by her obsessive landlord. Jeffery Dead Morgan is great as the landlord, and although I will admit he is mis-cast, you can see him try his hardest. Makes me want to check under my bed for cameras.

Wrecked. Adrien Brody wakes up at the bottom of a hill, in a wrecked car and with a body in the trunk. A slow plot unfolds afterwards in a 24 ‘real time’ sort of a way, where Brody has to discover what is going on and fast. The ‘fast’ part never really happens and I’m still wondering what on earth happed. Brody is great as usual and proves once again that he can carry a (flawed) film by himself with success. He doesn’t have much to work with though, which makes this film a very difficult watch. Difficult in the staying awake thing.
Super. Bill Hader is basically Kick-Ass, but in his own style with a motto that has me sniggering every time I see the box. ‘Shut up Crime!!’

Stone. Robert De Niro is the parole psychologist and Edward Norton is the guy trying to get out of prison. With two excellent actors I was expecting something positively brilliant, perhaps a Shawshank style of greatness. However, with the terrible plot, stupid accents, questionable acting and the addition of Milla ‘Resident Evil’ Jovovich, I really didn’t like Stone at all. The films title being the nickname of Norton’s character. With his ‘corn rows’ hairdo and a terrible impersonation of an American chav – I don’t think ‘Stone’ quite suits him as a name. ‘Pebble’ is more like it.

Submarine. Supposed to be a British comedy – but the look and feel reminded me of an un-funny About A Boy. Watch if you really, really have to.

Unstoppable. A train is going waaaay too fast and it’s up to Denzel Washington and Chris ‘ James T. Kirk’ Pine to stop it using their mad skills before it tears up everything in its path. Pretty much your American hero film, but it works well with a few friends and a takeaway. I personally laughed throughout the whole thing, but people and their reactions can be very different. Like the time when I took my sister to see Hot Fuzz. Not even a snigger.

Megamind. Will Ferrell voiced action, animated comedy which is conveniently almost like Despicable Me with Steve Carrell. Both films came out in the same year and have the same subject matter i.e. a superhero story from the villain’s point of view. It’s alright, and Brad Pitt is a surprisingly good voice actor.

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